Dates before a baby:
‘Hey wanna go out somewhere tonight?’
‘Sure, what shall we do?’
‘Let’s just decide later, we’ll go out about eight.’
Start getting ready about six, wash hair leisurely, maybe use that nice new hair mask you got. Blow dry it then style it nicely. Spend a while picking out your outfit. Full face of make up. Matching jewellery.
Head off around eight.
Decide to go for a bit of a drive and end up at a pub miles from home.
Talk about how your day’s been, family, friends, holidays, politics, anything really.
Enjoy a few hours in the beer garden.
Get back in the car and decide to go on a detour.
Don’t arrive home until the early hours.
Lie in the next morning.
Dates after having a baby:
‘We’ve got a babysitter on June 23, 2024. We have three hours to ourselves, let’s book something now.’
‘We need to be within ten minutes of home and make sure the place has excellent phone signal.’
Feed, bath and change baby taking you up until 15 minutes before you’re meant to be leaving the house.
Think you should probably start getting ready.
Baby decides to do an explosive poo and then tries to crawl off four times while you change her.
Jump in the shower for approximately 2.7 seconds, holding a bath toy in one hand to entertain your child who’s stood at the side of the bath trying to climb in.
Put on the first thing you reach that vaguely fits, is clean and doesn’t make you look too much like you’re still pregnant.
Brush hair. That’ll do.
Get excited you can wear jewellery cause the baby’s not going to be there trying to pull it off. Wear the biggest piece of jewellery you own, even if it doesn’t match your outfit at all.
Set off half an hour late, after having run through all the instructions three times with babysitter: feeding times, bed time routine, what to do if there’s a fire, what makes baby laugh/cry, what to do if there’s a zombie invasion. Of course making sure your phone number is clearly written in at least five places in the house.
Get round the corner, wonder if you should call to check if baby’s okay.
Arrive at your destination. Order something with mash on the menu even if it’s not your favourite, because it’s the baby’s favourite and you’ve forgotten they’re not with you.
Talk about baby poo and sick.
Decide not to talk about the baby for a while. Last three seconds before you remember you haven’t told your other half about that really adorable thing she did the other day.
Phone babysitter. They don’t answer on the first ring, immediately assume the worst.
Get home before 11pm. Decide to lie in tomorrow, at least til 6.30am.
Harriet and Alexandra x