Sorry if you’ve clicked on this post hoping for a chat about which furniture polish is the best. Instead I thought I’d bring you some of my top tips on how to keep your house in some sort of order (ie: one step away from being listed as a hazardous site endangering all of humankind) when you own a toddler:
- Put your TV as high up as you can possibly get it. The ceiling is best, the little buggers can climb higher than you ever imagined. This is the only way to avoid constant fingerprints on it (or if you live in our house and have a TV stand that swivels, it being constantly smashed against the wall!)
- Give up on owning ornaments, candles or anything nice. Don’t even bother stashing them away in a drawer to put out when the baby’s gone to bed, they’ll find the drawer and ransack it. Ask your relatives to buy you bubble wrap for Christmas instead.
- Your toddler will take great interest in all of your cleaning products and probably work out how to open them and consume the contents even though you can’t get past the childproof lids yourself. Despite this great interest, they will not once offer to do a bit of dusting or wipe down the bathroom. Don’t get your hopes up.
- Allocate twice as long to clean your bathroom. Beforehand you probably had a couple of shampoo and conditioner bottles to pick up and clean underneath. Now you have a plastic version of every single sea/lake/arctic dwelling animal you could ever hope for living in your bathroom, including at least 327 ducks.
- When picking a carpet, opt for the one that looks the most like trodden-in pieces of toast and rice cake so you can reduce the amount of times you’ll need to get the hoover out every day to just 17.
- Don’t bother getting matching furniture. None of it will go with the lurid, bold, colourful, assorted huge toys which will take over your life and live in every corner of your home.
- The best way to toddler-proof your home is to empty it of any furniture, any food, any crayons which could be applied to the wall, any toys etc. An easier step would be to just empty it of your toddler.
Harriet and Alexandra x