They say nothing can prepare you for the whirlwind of motherhood and I wouldn’t like to claim to be an expert since I’ve only been in the job since last August. But here’s a few of my thoughts on ways you could prepare to become the mother of a nine-month-old baby.
Attempt to wrestle a live octopus into an item of clothing with at least 500 buttons, poppers and zips. Extra points if you button it up right the first time, or even the seventh time.
Grow a third arm.
Balance something very delicate, perhaps an egg, somewhere where it’s likely to fall to the ground and smash. Practice turning away for a second, turning back and then using some sort of superhuman skill to run back to the egg and catch it before it smashes.
Chew everything you own to check you prefer it slightly dog-eared, torn and battered.
Play the same ten-second segment of music to yourself on repeat over and over again until you hear it in your dreams.
Smear sick, dribble, yoghurt and snot on all of your clothing.
Carry about a 20lb weight all day, while getting someone to poke your eyes, put their fingers up your nose and pull your hair.
Start eating all your meals in secret so they don’t get stolen.
Get someone to follow you around all day saying ‘dada dada dada’ and ‘nana nana nana’ repeatedly to check it won’t send you insane.
Grow a fourth arm.
Harriet and Alexandra x